My heart is a microphone
I cannot reach;
Beating
Pounding
to the rhythm of my restless
spirit;
Wanting
Wishing
to share the flood of feelings
trapped within a glass
only I can see through.
A single ship
drowning in a sea
of tears.
Waves within
crash against the cork;
Pressing
Pushing
for an escape
an opening
so narrow I cannot fit.
All the layers around me
I must shed
in order to
survive.
~ Lillian B.
Until we meet again!…
You are the acid rain,
eating at my soul,
through the umbrella you handed me,
when I left the house this morning.
Pieces disintegrating onto my shoulders,
falling beneath my footsteps,
as I brush them off,
burning my feet,
as I proceed forward
into the future.
Because I am running late,
and cannot afford to turn around,
so that you can hand me another umbrella,
and send me on my way,
as you wish me well.
~ Lillian B.
Until we meet again!…
After reading other bloggers’ stories of various struggles, survival, recovery and personal growth, I’ve decided that it’s time for me to be courageous and share pieces of my story. I hope that anyone who can relate to or understand the struggles I’ve had, knows that the path of survival-personal growth-transformation is not straight; it’s a roller coaster; a very scary one, that hopefully takes your breath away, leaving you stunned, but stronger than you were before.
Over the last year and a half, I’ve been on a road of recovery, healing and transformation (and I have many more miles to go). I was in a rough place a few years ago, fighting a war I could not win. Daily extreme stress, anxiety , panic attacks and depression, ultimately forced me into a near break down. Because of that near break down, though, I was able to break-through and begin my recovery and transformation.
I quit my job (at the time) because it was a major trigger and did nothing but pile on stress, anxiety and panic. The fear of unemployment amidst uncertainty of figuring out the right way to help myself was absolutely scary and foreign to me (given that I’m an analytical planner who likes order and knowing my next steps, this only increased my fear of the unknown future). I broke down in front of my PCP (primary care physician) who referred me to a behavioral health facility. That same night I voluntarily admitted myself into the program, where I entered into an outpatient partial program (attended daily group programs but did not have to stay overnight at the facility). To not feel like a complete bum/waste, I managed to work a part-time job (courtesy of an ad I found on Craigslist) while attending the day program. Did I mention that while all of this was happening, I was engaged and trying to plan a wedding with my fiance? (And NO, that was not the reason for me seeking help. Actually our relationship was one of the strongest elements at the time).
After a few months in partial, I stepped down to an IOP (intensive outpatient program) where I attended weekly group therapy sessions (for those who have never received mental health treatment, this step down is a GOOD sign of progress; the less frequent treatment schedule = the better indication that things are improving). Simultaneously, I was assigned a psychiatrist (yes, a SHRINK) who worked with me on medicine management.
After my insurance ran out (insurance company allots a certain # of treatment sessions that I could attend, within coverage), I was transferred to a psychologist, who I saw weekly one-on-one (meanwhile, still seeing psychiatrist for medicine management). My therapist got pregnant and went on maternity leave so she referred me to a colleague. The colleague who was transferred to a different company the first week I was scheduled to meet with her (note: new company means new policies and guidelines for treatment that may or may not work with your insurance company/psychiatrist). To add to the fun, I also had to find a new psychiatrist because the first one would only treat me if I was seeing a therapist within the same company; new company = new therapist + psychiatrist. (FYI, I finally tracked down the new therapist and have been seeing her [a new psychiatrist] weekly ever since).
I’ve learned A LOT over the course of my therapeutic healing. In my recovery, I’m currently in a position of awakening and acceptance, of my dysfunctional family (already known); abusive, traumatic childhood (somewhat known but undefined) and resulting mental health issues/imbalance. I thank God for being with me every step of the way through this process. I have experienced much personal growth. The more knowledge and wisdom I receive, the more my eyes and mind are opened to the truth. It’s raw. It’s painful. It makes me angry & disgusted. It makes me cry. But deep down, I KNOW that my past does not have to dictate my future or define who I am. I KNOW that God has a plan and purpose for my life. I KNOW that I am a survivor. And I know that by the grace of God, I survived for a reason.
Until we meet again!…
Miles To Go Before I Sleep... 